I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
