I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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