Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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