I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
They took my balls.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
