I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
