She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
