Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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