If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
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I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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