Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
