I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
this beer tastes like vomit already
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
