Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
