apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
