My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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