My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Randomize