Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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