end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
