when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
