I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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