it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
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Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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