I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
