The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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