I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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