based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
