sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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