i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i now understand why vodka
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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