Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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