I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sorry about my life...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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