Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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