You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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