Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
