Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
