Is it because I queefed?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
