If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
