I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Even my vagina gasped.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
