im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
