My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
