you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
