wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
