I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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