Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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