Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
