I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
