You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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