DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
