I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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