Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Someone came in the potted fern
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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