where am i from again
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The Olympian is in my bed
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
