things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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