Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
