maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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