Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
