She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
