Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
