I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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