before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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