Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
