He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
