textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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