I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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