I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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